I see them every day,
Mixed up in the fray.
I've got something to say,
But they don't want to hear it
They're just a few feet away,
Going on with thier ways.
I tried to give them hope today,
But they wouldn't come near it.
Surrounded by this hate,
It burns like mace.
All they want is a taste,
Of this live that's so great.
But they embrace their fate,
And lock hope in a case,
With the other dreams they didn't want to face.
Failure just left them stuck in this place.
You say you’ve had it bad,
But, man, everyone has their stories.
I seen the pain, heard what was had,
I know what’s beyond their glory.
It hurts, you know,
not knowing what to do.
They lose track of where to go,
And as you watch them suffer, they slowly shut you out to.
It hurts terrible, and burns the soul.
But how can we help if they want nothing,
Except the emptiness of the old,
And they give up and trap themselves in their suffering?
What are you doing?
Get up out of this place!
Why are you still here wallowing in disgrace?
All these troubles just keep brewing,
And you let them simmer and stir,
Thus far, the thought to end it never did occur.
You don’t like what you’re viewing?
Well it’s good to know,
Because life like this can’t keep going on, my fellow.
Hate is what their choosing?
The fact is so are you.
But, it seems, the whole world is wrong and you’re just doing what they do.
So who’d you say was losing?
Get up out of this place!
And walk away knowing that you have left behind your disgrace.
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~Now will change forever~
I'm reachin' out, reachin' up, reachin' over,
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And Daddy I'm on my way....
It's all about You, not about me, like You should do things my way...
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Of this life that's so great.
/
they slowly shut you out too.
/
It hurts terribly,
/
Thus far, the thought to end it (did not?) occur. (Otherwise it seems a bit cumbersome.)
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| =christians | *tolkien |
-Their
"All they want is a taste,
Of this live that's so great."
-Life
A little rough 'round the edges; I could see that from the first stanza. But, from the beginning I've seen that you've some talent. There's only a few suggestions/tips you might try.
The reader can easily sympathize with what you're saying. Which, in my opinion, is a good thing. The reader knows their situation and what's going on so they aren't confused.
The bad thing about it though is that there's so many poems pushed into one. That is where it is slightly confusing. You do keep on subject, (which is a plus) but a reader is left wondering a little bit about the poem(s) overall. You might try breaking each poem back up into its individual state and add onto them separately.
Language is a bit dull. You used every day words, which isn't a big deal, but sometimes that's not what a reader is looking for. Similes and metaphors are your best friends in literature so don't be afraid to use them. Sometimes, even if you have something in plain writing, it'd be better viewed compared with something else. A writer understands and is able to show the beauty of language through their words. In the book I've read over and over again, it says sometimes poetry seems like nonsense during the first reading because we're trying to pack more emotion into words. Ordinary language doesn't have that beauty.
I'm assuming you're still in your first, maybe second year of writing. I'd love to help you more along the way, if you're willing to. You have a gift, with both words and lines (drawing). But it's up to you to step forward to realize your potiental and to take that step in becoming better. Just let me know if you'd like some help. (^^)
~Raye
PS: You keep on writing; don't let this talent go to waste girl!
PSS: Work on punctuation too. It's another key point!
--
[ There's the door, if you ever want to leave]
They're, their, there are common things that are misused.
--
[ There's the door, if you ever want to leave]
thankies!!!! bunches!
--
"Aw, darn. Lost it again..."
"Lost what?"
"My sense of direction." ~
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"Aw, darn. Lost it again..."
"Lost what?"
"My sense of direction." ~
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"Aw, darn. Lost it again..."
"Lost what?"
"My sense of direction." ~
Yes hun, you have talent. That's sometimes the best thing a writer can do; write whatever comes to mind. How'd you think I have so many good pieces of poetry and the more emotion that's in them the better they are.
lol You're welcome
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[ There's the door, if you ever want to leave]
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| =christians | *tolkien |
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